But today is Easter. The day of rebirth and new beginnings. It is the day of miracles and God’s great
love and His great power. Today is Easter
…..the day that Jesus shows up.
Our Easter message this morning was about
Thomas. We know him as Doubting
Thomas. Thomas is one of my heroes. He’s one of the guys who was closest to Jesus
and yet he still doubted. He had a front
row seat to Jesus’ teachings and His miracles.
Thomas didn’t hear things second or third hand. No, he was right there in the front row
seeing things with his own eyes and hearing with his own ears. And yet, when things didn’t happen the way Thomas
thought they were going to – when Jesus died – Thomas abandoned the other
disciples and he wandered away.
Like Thomas, I too thought I had a front row
seat with God. I thought I heard His messages and saw His miracles.
And I thought I knew what was going to happen next. But, like Thomas, it
didn't happen the way I thought it was going to. And so for the past
several years, I've wandered and I've doubted. And I’ve pretty much
distanced myself from God.
This morning our minister said that Thomas abandoned his fellow disciples and he wandered away when Jesus died. As I thought about today’s message, I wondered
what had died for me to cause this "Crisis of Belief?" Part of it was
that something I hoped for didn't happen. But the bigger part is that my belief
in discernment and hearing God's voice died. And so, like Thomas, I've
been wandering. During this morning's service I wrote down: "What do
I need to see and touch to make me believe again?" I honestly don't
know the answer to that.
But I do know that God showed up for me this
weekend. In the wee hours of Saturday morning, sitting at a table on the
stage of our quiet church, God showed up.
Every year at Easter our church reads the Bible
all the way through starting on Good Friday with Genesis and ending with
Revelation at sunrise service on Easter day.
We all sign up for 20-minute increments to go to the church to read the
Bible day and night from Good Friday to Easter morning. I purposely sign up for
1:00 in the morning. The first year I signed up for that timeslot to challenge myself. I mean, it’s
easy for me to go to the church at 10:00 on Saturday morning. But to get up and go to the church at 1:00 Saturday
morning, now that’s a challenge. The
second year I signed up for the 1:00 timeslot because I loved that time the
previous year. There is only one other
person in the church, all the lights are turned down low, you sit at a table on
the stage and you just read God’s word. It is a time with just me and God. It is so reverent and peaceful. And I love it.
I signed up for the 1:00 a.m. timeslot again
this year. But this year, I wasn't quite
sure my heart was all in it. I've been doubting and wandering for so long and I've been starting to feel like a hypocrite. So, on Friday I prayed: "God will You
show up for me at that moment? Will You be there for me and let me know
You are there? Will You open my eyes to see You and will You crack this
shell that I've built around myself? Will You do that for me?"
When I arrived at the church, there were two other cars in the parking lot. As I passed the one closes to the walkway, I noticed that it had a Florida Gator tag on the front. To me this was like the little clicker I use to train Emma. It just sort of gets her attention. And that Florida Gator tag just sort of made me pay attention because I always notice Gator tags.
When I got inside the church I was told that I
would be reading in Matthew. So, I sat down to mark Matthew in my
Bible. As I opened my Bible the first page I flipped to was
Habakkuk. I have a history with Habakkuk. He shows up at the most
interesting times. So, this really got my attention. Another click on the clicker.
Then it was my turn
to read. I got up on stage, sat at the table and I started reading Matthew
17. All was going well; I was moving right along. Until I got here:
"If a man has a hundred sheep and one of
them has gone astray, does he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go in
search of the one that went astray? And if he finds it, truly, I say to you, he
rejoices over it more than over the ninety-nine that never went astray." Matthew 18:12-13
I almost lost it right there. I had to work really hard to not break down
and to catch my breath. Tears welled up
in my eyes and I had trouble getting the words out. And I know that if I had been by myself and
if I had let the emotions have free reign, I would have melted into uncontrollable
sobs in that moment. And maybe I should
have let that happen. Because, honestly,
at that moment I felt God show up and meet me right where I had asked Him to. And as I read those verses, I felt Him tell
me “I’m coming for you, Robin, my sheep who has gone astray.”
Somehow, I managed to not fall apart and to keep
going (I didn't want to be the one person who held up the reading of Revelation on Easter morning because I had a breakdown and couldn't get through my section).
I held it together and I was moving right along. And then I got to Matthew 20:32:
"And Jesus stopped and called them saying,
'What do you want me to do for you?' They said to him, 'Lord, let our
eyes be opened.' And Jesus in pity touched their eyes, and immediately
they received their sight and followed him."
"What do you want me to do for
you?" Open my eyes.
"What do you need to see and touch in order to believe again?" I honestly don't know.
This was a remarkable weekend for me. And
hopefully it is a time of rebirth for me too. Honestly, I'm afraid to believe
again. I don't know what that looks like and I don't know how I'll ever
trust my "discernment" again.
But for now, I'm resting in the knowledge that God showed up. And I hope to get back to a place of believing and trusting again.
Thank you all for being on this journey with me. I hope that some of you will stand in the gap for me and pray when I cannot. Thank you for your love and support and encouragement. You are much loved.
Oh, and by the way, the page that opened up in
Habakkuk in the wee hours of Saturday morning had this Scripture at the very
top of the page:
"And the Lord answered me:
'Write the vision; make it plain upon tablets,
so he may run who reads it. For still the vision awaits its time; it
hastens to the end - it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it
will surely come, it will not delay." Habakkuk 2:2-3
